Oh THAT mom.

Yesterday I had the torture pleasure of grocery shopping with my 3 little snarling, sniveling darlings. It was such a hellish great trip, replenishing my pantry while displaying my obvious lack of control parenting prowess.
Oh we dragged, pushed, pulled traipsed round the store, blindly grabbing merrily & efficiently gathering the items on my list, my obnoxious precious little ones sitting in the previous isle throwing a fit following obediently behind me like a line of ducklings.
I tell you I was the nightmare come true example of what every mother fears knows her kids will be like with her pathetic superior mothering abilities.
Oh yes, yesterday I truly was THAT mom.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I spent approximately 1 hour, 45 minutes grocery shopping with my kids today. I'm sure that's all I'm required to say but I will elaborate (as I'm apt to do) just so you can get the full effect.

We had a marathon trip today, all in the pursuit of saving a buck.

Of course I negated that savings by forgetting my list (and I need my list) and having to drive the 25 miles home & turn right around & drive 25 miles back to Cheney. I just love running in circles, don't you?

So we are finally back in town & I stopped by the first 2 stores to pick up the sale fliers. These stores are relatively small & don't do mailers (which annoys me to no end) so to find the best deals I have to do it this way.

Then we were off & running in Safeway (much to the delight of the kids, who were very sick of their carseats by this time. "Why do we hafta go back mom? "Mom I wanna get out of my seat." "Mom, she's touching me again.")

I have a new rule for grocery shopping which, depending on one's point of view, makes me look like a drill sergeant (minus the swearing) or an overbearing evil mom. (I know this from the looks I got from other moms, the ones with 1 child under walking age were the funniest ones. They just looked scared they'd have to do this someday too - HA!)

Before I started this new thing, my shopping consisted of my kids all doing things they are not supposed to, different things that is, all at the same time. Sam would be wandering on ahead, eventually turning the corner & on his way down the next isle. Adah would be standing on the side of the cart, the front of the cart, 'helping' me push (aka getting in the way & tripping me), or standing in front of the cart impeding my progress. Eli would be dawdling behind, inspecting things on the shelves (preferably in glass jars) & freaking out when I got too far ahead.

Meanwhile I'd be attempting to yell at all of them at once. "Sam come...Adah knock it...Eli put that...Sam I said..." while simultaneously shopping for the best deals. (Mom's head explodes.)

Sound like fun? Yeah, notsomuch.

So now I make them line up behind me & stay there the whole time. This consists of me repeating my orders approximately 1364 times during each hour spent in the store.

Have I mentioned that my throat hurts? (Chocolate ice cream goes a long way in soothing a sore throat. Just in case you are wondering, that is.)

Ok (I know, I know, on with the story already) so to give you a glimpse of my shopping nightmare fun I'll tell you what you would see if you were a fellow shopper doomed to lucky enough to be in the same store as my lovely family.

A mom, looking very grim with 3 kids straggling behind her. This mom occasionally asks in a very gruff tone, "Adah, why are you walking next to me? "Where are you supposed to be walking?" after which Adah would reply "behind you mom." and fall back with her brothers. At other times you might hear, "Sam let go of my shirt." "Sam let go." "NOW SAM!" or, "Eli, stop pushing Sam." "Eli stop touching the pickles." "Eli do not touch anything other than your own body!"

Now repeat this scenario for the next hour & forty five minutes (spanning 3 stores) and you've got the picture. Kind of reminds me of the back of the shampoo bottle I bought today - lather, rinse, repeat. Lather, rinse, repeat. Lather, rinse, rep...

*sigh*

By the third store I was beginning to think about alcohol despite the fact I usually drink only once a year on my birthday. (Mexican restaurant+strawberry margarita+birthday=one happy me!)

Hey, maybe some rich TV producer could come up with a reality show that involves grocery shopping with crazy kids & frazzled moms. I'd clean up with that...unless I was competing with BECAUSE I SAID SO that is.

Now I'm home, the kids are in bed & I'm happily blogging while eating a pile of ice cream soothing my throat.

So...how was your day?

The great bathroom adventure

I gave you a hint of this story a couple weeks ago when I blogged about my fabulous day. Be warned though, it's not a pretty story. Well, I guess you could say it's pretty, as in pretty dang smelly - but however you put it, it's not for the faint of heart. Might be effective birth control though!

I was out on a grocery trip at one of my favorite retailers, Fred Meyer. I love Freddy's cos they have playland, where I can deposit 2 of my kids to play while I spend quality time argue with Sam & shop for groceries.

We hadn't gotten the best start on the day but after having lunch things were looking up. Until, that was, I got the dreaded page over the intercom system to 'come to playland.'

I figured it was just cos' I was late picking them up (never happens - HA!) but when I arrived I noticed Adah walking a little um, funny.

The attendant told me she had said she needed to go potty but that she could wait. *alarm bells ringing in my head*

So I hurry them into the bathroom only Adah is trying hard not to hurry & is walking even funnier.

Yup, you guessed it, by the time we got into the stall she had poop dripping down her leg.

Now, I've been past the diaper bag stage for some time, so there I am without wipes & extra clothes, with Adah dripping onto her feet.

So I begin the dash back & forth between the towel dispenser, sink & stall - round & round we go, when I can stop nobody knows.

Meanwhile, the boys have the run of the bathroom. Danger, Will Robinson, danger! I hear them greeting & saying goodbye to several ladies. I witness the greeting to one woman, who seems less than thrilled to see 2 boys in the woman's room. A minute or 2 later, I hear her talking to them, & saying something about them being rude. "What are they doing?" I ask. "Looking through the crack." she grimly replies.

Wonderful boys, just flipping wonderful! As if I'm not having enough fun already, I have to deal with my peeping-tom's-in-training now. Why did they have to choose her to spy on? Couldn't they have picked someone with a sense of humor? Oh no, not my boys.

I profusely apologise to the woman, and make the boys do so as well. Then I give them a big lecture of why that is wrong & make them stand against the wall for awhile. But that only lasts until I venture back into the stall with Adah. (I later found out Eli was in the hall for awhile, yikes!)

Adah is not happy to be cleaned off with cold, rough paper towels & lets me know in no uncertain terms. It takes at least 4 trips back for more towels to get her clean, the stuff is everywhere! I ended up just tossing the undies but had to wash out her shorts as best I could & make her wear them. Yeah, she was not big on that idea but we don't have money to buy shorts on a whim & I wasn't letting her walk around naked! (Although she would have liked that I'm sure.)

We finally got out of the bathroom, completed the shopping & got everyone in the car. (I almost forgot my favorite comment of the day. While in line at the checkout Sam said, "moooom, Adah still stinks!" at top volume. Thanks for telling everyone Sam...girrrr) Our little detour took so long we had to rely on gross good ole Mickey D's for dinner. I was so tired I could hardly keep my eyes open & desperately needed some caffeine for the drive home.

I managed to get us home, groceries in the house, Adah bathed & kids to bed without loosing my cool. After all was quiet I collapsed into bed with my laptop, a movie & lots of junk food to salve my injured soul.

And of course, through it all I kept thinking, "This is going to make one heck of a blog post!"

A fabulous day in 12 easy steps

1. Stay up really really late the night before.
2. Let kids watch movies non-stop all morning.
3. Decide to take kids out for lunch an hour after you normally eat.
4. Make sure kids delay leaving for at least an hour - clothes, shoes, potty...
5. Have a relaxing lunch with your crazy, insane, manic, whiny wonderful children.
6. Spend 45 minutes in a tiny restaurant bathroom with 3 kids, 2 of whom have to poop.
7. Go grocery shopping.
8. Find that your daughter has created something wonderful when you get paged by pick up your kids from the grocery childcare center.
9. Experience another lovely trip to the bathroom with your children.
10. Make your way home with your crazy, insane, manic, whiny wonderful children.
11. Spend at least an hour coaxing, pleading, yelling bonding with your kids while getting them ready for bed.
And last but not least...
12. Be sure to spill a giant container of watermelon on the floor before you head to bed.

to be continued...

The day after or, plant on momma, plant on.

Hi y'all, didja have a good momma's day?
Me too!

On Friday Sam brought me home a laminated picture of a teacup with a heart & a tea bag stapled to it (thanks to Mrs. L.) On the back it says 'Mom I love you Sam' in his funny lil K-kid printing. I put it up on the wall by my desk instead of the opposite wall where we usually put his masterpieces, and he had this to say about it:

"Mom, I want it over there!"
"Honey, I want it where I can see it, I love my mothers day drawing from you."
"Mom! It's mine, I made it!!"

Hmmmm, don't think he's got the gift concept yet. Oh well, I'm not moving it, it's mine I tell you, MINE!

My darling Chris knew the day was coming but did not pay attention to when it actually was so I got kicked urged strongly out of bed to make everyone breakfast. And I got nothing from the twinnies, who had no idea what the day was.

As soon as Chris figured out what day it was he apologised profusely and had the kids say happy mothers day and give me some X's and O's. Love my little mommy makers :)

After I slapped forgave my hubby, I skipped out to do a solitary grocery trip and enjoyed myself immensely.

Fred Meyer was packed, which normally gives me a headache, but I was determined to have fun. I found a buy 2 get 1 free sale on potted herbs so I got 9 of them. (2 basil, 2 oregano, 2 rosemary, 2 thyme & 1 sage.) I like to dry them myself for use throughout the winter, a good way to save some $$. I gave myself a Cadberry milk chocolate bar, (yum) got a iced coffee and perused the flowers. Got myself some wannabe-Crocks for 40% off - they don't do my feet any favors (I have messed up ankles) but are awesome for gardening - the dirt that gets in them just falls out of the holes so you can walk around in your freshly tilled garden without a care.

I then had to get to my 'real' shopping...groceries. They were having an awesome sale, Foster Farms whole chickens buy 1 get 1 free, store brand food containers 2 for $4, hand-held garden tools buy 2 get 1 free...and many many more. I spent way more than I usually would but stocked up on some great buys. It truly was a nice escape from the usual shopping with kids. I am surprised that I didn't go nuts with all the people there. Note to self: Mothers day weekend is not a good time to shop.

We all hung out together after I hied my fanny home - all in all, a great day was had on mommas day 08.

Now I gotta get that same fanny out to plant my yummy herbs. Well, after I eat my favorite lunch of p'sketti noodles with garlic salt & a heap-0-Parmesan cheese. That and plan an extravagant daddys day to make Chris feel really guilty celebrate Chris.

Happy day after momma's day y'all!

Too much stuff

Ok installment 2 of list-a-day.

I went to Costco & Safeway with the twins today & did not stick to my list...girrrr! I hate it when I do that - the extras from Costco are things I use frequently so they weren't so bad. Some of the stuff from Safeway however, were mostly crap I don't need. I had to pick up a prescription & it wasn't ready so I wandered around finding things I could, a'hem, use.

From Costco

1. Black olives

2. Canned mushrooms

3. Vitamin C (which I just discovered have sugar substitute in them, which I hate. I now have 500 of them to get through - wonderful!)

4. Bananas

5. Kleenex

From Safeway

1. Graham crackers

2. Mac & cheese

3. Tea

4. Whole wheat tortillas

5. Dog toy

6. Easter cookie cutters

7. 3 kids toothbrushes

8. Adhesive putty

9. Pencil erasers

10. People magazine - this one is totally embarrassing to me. I have a weakness for gossip rags, I love looking at the clothes & this issue has new baby pix in it. I don't care anything for the celebrity mommy but must see those pictures. I hate it when I give in to my desire, in principal I'm against them but now and then I just can't resist.

So there you go, my list of extras & unnecessary purchases.