Saturday, January 2, 2010

Sometimes I really should stop & ask for directions.

I am completely overwhelmed.

Work is going well, I'm s.l.o.w.l.y getting through the training but there's a lot of pressure (possibly imagined) to get it all done & it's freaking me out a bit. I have to talk to my boss on Monday about that - I don't know what her time expectation is for me getting through all this stuff. The other gal that's in training with me (and is much younger) is a lot faster than I am & I'm concerned that TB (the boss, a bit of a type-A perfectionist) is impatient with me. But I don't know how much of that is my 40-year-old-been-a-homemaker-for-7-years-intimidated-by-a-19-year-old-mind & how much is reality.

She's really not intimidating, it's more of the stereotype of the old lady can't keep up with the fresh young blood than anything else. I actually quite enjoy working with her, she's very nice & seems quite mature for a 19 year old girl. When she talked of graduating last year I assumed college, she looks a lot older than she is but silly me, it was only HS.

I'm feeling dated despite the fact that TB is a little older than me & the assistant manager is nearing retirement age. (Dangnabbed 19 year olds!)

None of this is what's overwhelming me though. No, that would be my family.

Every day this past week I've gotten overwhelmed by my kids within about 2 minutes of getting home. I assumed that on the weekend I would feel better but so far this is not the case. And this week was not even a normal work week, we had the holiday off!

Chris has been great, he's totally taken on the housework & cooking & the house is cleaner than it would be if I had been the one home. But I'm not sure this is helping me either.

The kitchen has been my domain for years but now I'm finding things in the wrong places & my routines are no longer in place. I kinda feel like a stranger in my own home. Now, I'm the first to admit I'm a tad anal about where the dishes go & things like that. I like things where I like them, what can I say? But when I showed him how I put the bowls away, round bowls in one stack & square bowls in another (completely logical, right?) he said "well you're not putting away the dishes anymore are you."


I've never been a fan of doing the dishes. I've been known, at times, to put them off & end up with a nasty stinky mess in the sink & all over the counter but that was MY job in MY kitchen & I'm not sure I want to give it up! Now Chris is doing the dishes, the menu planning, the shopping & the rest of MY job & I don't like it one bit. (There I said it, harrumph!)

Then there's the kids. Now, I love my kids but those of you who are familiar with my blog know that I've been challenged by them from time to time. (yes I know, the understatement of the year, young as it is...) Everyone assumed (and by everyone I mean Chris, my mom, my sisters & my BFF) that when I got back to work, out in the real world & interacting with adults again, things would get easier for me at home. Hell, I bought into it too but so far it's not been the case! I don't like to leave them in the morning & I'm happy to see them when I get home but I can only handle so much. I like to snuggle quietly with one or two, read books to them & watch them play but if things get loud (as they are 95% of the time) or more than one tries to talk to me at a time (another 95%) I simply can't handle it & they must get away from me NOW before I blow my stack. (and when I say blow I mean Mt St Helen's style.)

I don't want to hurt the kids or make them feel like Mom doesn't like spending time with them but my kids are loud, raucous and always fighting to be the one heard first & I start to panic. All weekend I've been shooing them away from me, trying to do it nicely but a lot of the time they won't listen & I have to raise it up a notch to get movement & they get their feelings hurt.

Then Chris hears me beginning to loose it & comes to my rescue & I feel guilty, or worse, he comes to the kids rescue & I feel resentful & arguing ensues.

Could someone please tell me who I am, how I fit into this dang family & where I can find my sanity? Pretty please??


Header image by sabrinaeras @ Flickr