Thursday, June 5, 2008

Yesterday was NOT good

This is what I wrote while bawling my head off after the poop hit the fan.


I want to give up. I am so sick of dealing with problems with the kids. Why do they all have to be so hard? Why do I have to have 3 strong willed kids? Why do I have to have 2 boys with ADD? Why do I have a daughter who is so sassy & whiny & bratty?
I know that God gave me these kids but sometimes I think he screwed up bigtime. I do not handle this well at all. I do not want to deal with it. I don’t want to dance around Sam’s sensitiveness. Sometimes I feel like I just cannot handle it anymore. Why did God do this to me? I know there’s so many people out there desperate for kids who could handle these issues so much better. I get so angry with them. So angry. I do don’t want to deal with it. I just want it to be better. I just want everything to stop.
How could he do this to us if he really loved us. Why did he let me have kids before I got my shit together. I am such a bad mom, I yell at them all the time. I’m flat out mean. I hurt their feelings so much. And when I get angry like today…look out. I spank in anger. I throw things. I yell. I say whatever is going through my mind whether or not I’d actually do it. Like say I want to to throw Adah out the window. Or spank her raw with the metal spatula. Or give her up for adoption. Well, I say these things to Chris but it freaks him out. When I get mad like that I don’t care. I just want everything to stop & I don’t care if I hurt anyone. Until later when I calm down & see how the kids act with me. Then it makes me cry because I know I’ve hurt them in so many ways and they don’t deserve it. They didn’t ask to be born into our family, they just ended up here. Sometimes I just hate life period.


Please excuse the language, that's just where I was at the time.

Yeah, first thing on my list today is to find me a shrinky-dink.

5 comments:

Boringo said...

Knock knock...

AlaneM said...

Oh Toddy, do you know how much I love you, ya big ole dopey Okey-Tex cuz-o-mine???
Thanks for making me smile, I needed that today.
Wishin' I could get a big ole hug...

Multiple Mom T said...

I was SO THERE a few months ago (ok, and this morning as well, but I have PMS so it doesn't count!). I actually went and got counseling and boy, did it ever help! I'm not angry EVERY SINGLE SECOND at the kids. I don't go from 0 to 10 on the anger scale. And I don't even think in my head "I hate you!". I totally recommend seeing a professional--it was so worth the money!

Kate said...

I'm not a mom, so I can't help you there. But I can definitely say that seeing a shrinky is almost never a bad idea. Such a great investment in your life and your future and...

If it makes you feel better, I have a bad angry-with-students story that I don't want to share on the internet.

Rebekah said...

I totally understand. I watch my words but I still yell. Sometimes I'll be upset at something else and yell at the kids. Then I'll think "what am I doing? They haven't done anything"
Motherhood is a learning and growing experience, isnt it?

 
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