Oh THAT mom.

Yesterday I had the torture pleasure of grocery shopping with my 3 little snarling, sniveling darlings. It was such a hellish great trip, replenishing my pantry while displaying my obvious lack of control parenting prowess.
Oh we dragged, pushed, pulled traipsed round the store, blindly grabbing merrily & efficiently gathering the items on my list, my obnoxious precious little ones sitting in the previous isle throwing a fit following obediently behind me like a line of ducklings.
I tell you I was the nightmare come true example of what every mother fears knows her kids will be like with her pathetic superior mothering abilities.
Oh yes, yesterday I truly was THAT mom.

Do not throw the cat!!!

I need help people!

My dear, darling son Eli who professes to love our kitty keeps hurting him instead.

As I was getting Adah cleaned up in the bathroom last night, (don't ask) I spied Eli holding smudge in the air one handed & throwing him like he was competing for the shot put medal or something.

This kid holds my cat sweetly (at times) and tells me how cute smudge is & what a good kitty he is & "oh I love our smudgie" & then pulls a stunt like this.

We are forever at all the kids to not harass the cat - they dearly love to scoop him up from a nap saying 'he wants me to hold him mommy" while smudge meows pitifully, plainly asking me to rescue him from being mauled. They want him to play when he's napping & snuggle when he's on the prowl, yada yada yada.

But Eli takes the cake. I've seen him hold smudge hanging in the air from his front legs, drop him hard on the floor, push him forcefully off the couch & now this.

I did not react well last night. I threw the washcloth onto the counter & blasted into the living room at him, yelling at the top of my lungs "what the HELL are you doing to my cat?" Then I grabbed him by the arm, yanked him over to my recliner & smacked that lil booty (in anger) several times. I know it didn't hurt that much, he's used to getting a spoon but I know I scared the dickens out of him & I know I was not spanking him in the right frame of mind.

Then I sent him to his room while I finished getting the others ready for bed. I made him stay in his room while I read a story to Sam & Adah - he cried at that - but I called him in for prayer time.

I talked to him at length afterwards, I apologised for flying off the handle & tried to get him to understand what he did. I asked him if some huge guy threw him like that how would he feel. Eli said he would be sad, scared & cry & that would be a very bad guy & he would go to jail. I asked him if he felt sad about what he did to smudge & he said "no mom, I feel good."

Wha???

I know he's little & he doesn't get it but he just can't do this to an animal! He's stomped on our dog's feet & tail before, just cos he wanted to. I'm at my wits end & don't know what to do.

Got any ideas?

Compys, baby birds & me

Do you remember in Jurassic park when the compeys show up? You know, they are small & look kinda cute? Then they start getting closer, making chirpy sounds & looking at the guy curiously...and then one jumps up & takes a bite. Then another, and another and soon they are swarming all over him & he goes down screaming, being eaten alive one tiny bite at a time?

Yeah well instead of the guy it's me & instead of the compeys it's my kids.





My other favorite analogy is baby birds in a nest when the momma comes home. She's tired from flying around finding food for everyone & just wants a break. But all she gets is a bunch of screeching beaks demanding more, more, MORE!




Obviously I'm not doing so great right now.
I hate feeling like this. I get so overwhelmed by it all that I just want to disappear.

Every time I hear "mom" I want to hide. I've been known to throw a blanket over my head & sit there, hoping nobody will notice me. You know, the I-can't-see-you-you-can't-see-me delusion that kids have? Yeah, that's rubbed off on me.



There's laundry all over the house. My kitchen is a disaster area. The kids have been super grumpy. (Eli in particular has been extra aggressive.) And I'm PMS'ing which exacerbates my depression. Mrfph!! (don't know what that means, it just felt like the thing to write)



I'm having a very hard time getting anything done. I'm having a hard time not screaming at the kids every 10 minutes. And I don't mean the "I told you to pick up your ___ 3 times!" kind of screaming. I mean "Why do you do this to me?" "Why can't you just leave me alone?" "I wish I could go back in time 6 years!" "Don't touch me, don't talk to me, don't look at me, I don't want to know you are here!!!" kind of screaming. Sometimes I really think like that & frankly it freaks me out. I don't want to be this kind of mom. I want to be the one who sees the teachable moments in situations & calmly takes advantage of them. I want to be the one who can be an example of how to react well to difficult situations.



I have a friend at my old church that I was jealous of before I met her. Gorgeous woman, skinny, curvy, great hair, loves the lord, nice hubby...she's got it made right?

Wrong. She was actually in a huge battle with depression during the time I was envious of her. She was going through absolute hell everyday. Sometimes it would get so bad she'd curl up in a ball, rocking in a corner & wouldn't talk for days.

After I got to know her I was amazed at all this & felt sorry for her. What a hard thing to go through! And all that time I thought she had it all.

A few years later she had a little boy - not too long after I started on my depression meds. And now it's come full circle & I'm envious of her again. Not like last time, I'm not guessing her life is fan-fiddily-tastic or anything but I wish my depression & having my kids had happened in the same order hers did.

You see, she got her issues worked out before she had children. I didn't even know about mine until after the twins were born. Having kids makes depression so much harder, more complicated. It's not just you to worry about, you've got these little people depending on you & the pressure is enormous. My funks usually don't last more than a couple of days but it's so hard on my kids. Sam especially, my sensitive boy, gets hurt so easily by the things I say.

And then there's the guilt. I think of those families who are have kids with cancer or other rotten diseases. Why can't I see my kids as the blessings that they are? Why can't I be happy with healthy, normal kids? Why can't I treasure every moment with them like I should? No I am resentful & think of them like compys or baby birds. How sad is that?



All that rambling to say I've had a crappy day.



So, how was yours?

Lying and stuff

I'm frustrated.

You know that cute little guy Sam? The one I featured in my birth story? Yup, that's the one. Well he's been lying a lot lately. Any time he gets caught or questioned about something he lies right to my face.

This drives me absolutely nuts!

When he comes home from school all the kids have a snack. I usually have something yummy I've made for them, fruit bars, soft pretzels, bran muffins - or just some rasins & crackers or whatever. They all eat the snack & watch a video & then fight play together. Well, of late Sam has done this disappearing act after he finishes his snack. I usually find him sneaking more of the snack, some leftover biscuits or whatever from off the counter or candy from out of my purse. He hides behind the laundry basket or next to the couch, & gives me the innocent look while putting his hands behind his back.

In our house we require the kids to ask if they want something to eat. Yes I'll admit I'm kinda stingy & usually say no. They are served good meals (which half the time he chooses not to eat - very picky kid) & snacks & we are usually broke so we can't afford extra snacking all the time.

I get so angry! He gets disciplined every time but nothing seems to work. This is really why it drives me so nuts. I feel like I'm crazy when I have to repeat things over and over (yes I realize this is normal with kids) so much. He's been doing it for over a month now & it's gotten progressively worse. When he get's disciplined we explain that if he asked we might give him what he wants but if he sneaks it & lies about it he will get a spanking every time. (This is not the only issue he lies over, just a good and frequent example.)

My big problem is that I have a very small amount of patience for this sort of thing. I get angry, take it personally & start talking to him as if he's much older. You know, like, "why do you do this to me?" and that sort of thing.

Another problem is that this kid is extra sensitive - WAY extra sensitive. Everything seems to cut right to his heart. I know my reaction is very hard on him & I need to stop but I don't know how. We just feed off of each other. He sneaks food, I get frustrated. He lies, I get angry. I discipline, he cries. I console, he yells. He yells, I get angry. He cries & yells more, I get more angy & start making comments. It just keeps going on & on until we both need time away from each other to calm down.

I feel like such a looser of a parent when stuff like this happens. I know I have anger issues, I've had them for a long time but they've been aggrivated since we had kids. It's mostly the repeated willful disobedience that gets to me. Wouldn't it be great if they just came with a manual? I could look at the troubleshooting page, "do XYZ and the problem will stop." I'm sure my hubby could use one for me as well. But then life would be pretty boring & I wouldn't have as much to blog about :)

Anyway, I guess I'm just venting today. Gatta spew out the garbage sometime, why not make it available for the world to see?

So sorry this blog is not thought provoking, or spiritual, or funny, or well, even very interesting. I'm just a mom hanging on by a thread & trying to pull myself up.

I'd appriciate any advice you might have. Or some commiseration if you're going through something similar. But please - if you have a 'bad mommy' or 'shame on you' comment, just keep it to yourself. I'm well aware of my shortcomings, thankyouverymuch!

Have a wonderful day y'all!