Yesterday was NOT good

This is what I wrote while bawling my head off after the poop hit the fan.


I want to give up. I am so sick of dealing with problems with the kids. Why do they all have to be so hard? Why do I have to have 3 strong willed kids? Why do I have to have 2 boys with ADD? Why do I have a daughter who is so sassy & whiny & bratty?
I know that God gave me these kids but sometimes I think he screwed up bigtime. I do not handle this well at all. I do not want to deal with it. I don’t want to dance around Sam’s sensitiveness. Sometimes I feel like I just cannot handle it anymore. Why did God do this to me? I know there’s so many people out there desperate for kids who could handle these issues so much better. I get so angry with them. So angry. I do don’t want to deal with it. I just want it to be better. I just want everything to stop.
How could he do this to us if he really loved us. Why did he let me have kids before I got my shit together. I am such a bad mom, I yell at them all the time. I’m flat out mean. I hurt their feelings so much. And when I get angry like today…look out. I spank in anger. I throw things. I yell. I say whatever is going through my mind whether or not I’d actually do it. Like say I want to to throw Adah out the window. Or spank her raw with the metal spatula. Or give her up for adoption. Well, I say these things to Chris but it freaks him out. When I get mad like that I don’t care. I just want everything to stop & I don’t care if I hurt anyone. Until later when I calm down & see how the kids act with me. Then it makes me cry because I know I’ve hurt them in so many ways and they don’t deserve it. They didn’t ask to be born into our family, they just ended up here. Sometimes I just hate life period.

Please excuse the language, that's just where I was at the time.

Yeah, first thing on my list today is to find me a shrinky-dink.

Lying and stuff

I'm frustrated.

You know that cute little guy Sam? The one I featured in my birth story? Yup, that's the one. Well he's been lying a lot lately. Any time he gets caught or questioned about something he lies right to my face.

This drives me absolutely nuts!

When he comes home from school all the kids have a snack. I usually have something yummy I've made for them, fruit bars, soft pretzels, bran muffins - or just some rasins & crackers or whatever. They all eat the snack & watch a video & then fight play together. Well, of late Sam has done this disappearing act after he finishes his snack. I usually find him sneaking more of the snack, some leftover biscuits or whatever from off the counter or candy from out of my purse. He hides behind the laundry basket or next to the couch, & gives me the innocent look while putting his hands behind his back.

In our house we require the kids to ask if they want something to eat. Yes I'll admit I'm kinda stingy & usually say no. They are served good meals (which half the time he chooses not to eat - very picky kid) & snacks & we are usually broke so we can't afford extra snacking all the time.

I get so angry! He gets disciplined every time but nothing seems to work. This is really why it drives me so nuts. I feel like I'm crazy when I have to repeat things over and over (yes I realize this is normal with kids) so much. He's been doing it for over a month now & it's gotten progressively worse. When he get's disciplined we explain that if he asked we might give him what he wants but if he sneaks it & lies about it he will get a spanking every time. (This is not the only issue he lies over, just a good and frequent example.)

My big problem is that I have a very small amount of patience for this sort of thing. I get angry, take it personally & start talking to him as if he's much older. You know, like, "why do you do this to me?" and that sort of thing.

Another problem is that this kid is extra sensitive - WAY extra sensitive. Everything seems to cut right to his heart. I know my reaction is very hard on him & I need to stop but I don't know how. We just feed off of each other. He sneaks food, I get frustrated. He lies, I get angry. I discipline, he cries. I console, he yells. He yells, I get angry. He cries & yells more, I get more angy & start making comments. It just keeps going on & on until we both need time away from each other to calm down.

I feel like such a looser of a parent when stuff like this happens. I know I have anger issues, I've had them for a long time but they've been aggrivated since we had kids. It's mostly the repeated willful disobedience that gets to me. Wouldn't it be great if they just came with a manual? I could look at the troubleshooting page, "do XYZ and the problem will stop." I'm sure my hubby could use one for me as well. But then life would be pretty boring & I wouldn't have as much to blog about :)

Anyway, I guess I'm just venting today. Gatta spew out the garbage sometime, why not make it available for the world to see?

So sorry this blog is not thought provoking, or spiritual, or funny, or well, even very interesting. I'm just a mom hanging on by a thread & trying to pull myself up.

I'd appriciate any advice you might have. Or some commiseration if you're going through something similar. But please - if you have a 'bad mommy' or 'shame on you' comment, just keep it to yourself. I'm well aware of my shortcomings, thankyouverymuch!

Have a wonderful day y'all!